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Back to talking a little about business for a minute.
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Month: February 2023
Pivot
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Brand Basics
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Waves of Grief
Grief has been a big part of my life lately. Grief can come in many forms but it’s basically mourning the loss of something or someone. I remember one of the first times I dealt with grief, I was 10 and my grandfather had passed and I saw my dad crying. I was sort of mesmerized. I had never seen my dad cry and to be honest I never really did again until my mom passed.
We didn’t really talk about grief in my house. My mom had lost her father several years before I was born and I remember her talking about it at times. She would get this far away look and she would tell me little stories about him. Often, she would smile while telling me, but it was one of those wistful smiles, a happy memory but one that is mixed with sadness.
When she would tell me the story of his passing it was always with sadness and guilt. She had been pregnant with my sister at the time and he was in the hospital in a pretty dire situation. Back then, many medical procedures were still new and risky. She had gone home to clean up, at the insistence of others, and he had passed while she was away. You could tell she had never forgiven herself for what she evidently deemed an unforgiveable act.
I get that, but perhaps there was a reason she wasn’t supposed to be there. I know for me, I’m kind of glad I wasn’t with my loved one, namely her. It allowed me better memories to keep as I moved forward. But for the caregiver in her and for the daughter that was close to her father, it was hard to let go.
My mom was my rock. She was my friend. She was the family glue. She took us through our first journey with cancer and all the lovely things that come with it. When she passed, I felt gutted. I remember thinking I finally understood what people meant when they would use the phrase “waves of grief”. There were times it would come and literally knock my knees out from under me like a wave in the ocean can do.
According to psychology type people, there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
After my mom passed, people would often take particular joy in telling me about these stages and which one I must be in. It was odd, yet comforting. Having a name for it, made it easier to process. It also made me feel like there was an end to the hell. That when I reached that final stage and made my way through it, I would be done. This had to be the illusive “time heals all wounds” thing everyone was talking about it.
If only that had been true. No one told me that you will go through these stages all your life. You my run them all in a matter of minutes. You may just have one hit you at any given moment. Grief and healing are not a linear experience.
When I started figuring that out, to me the “waves of grief” statement took on a new meaning. The waves can be different sizes and effect you differently and they come throughout your life. For me, more often than not, they came without warning and took my knees out again.
And of course, there was also no end. But time did change the emotions. There were times that the intensity of the grief changed, but there are others when mom could have passed yesterday.
One of the biggest reasons for that new wave? Triggers happen. Trauma triggers. Those are fun. Are you familiar with the antiseptic smell in a hospital? I remember the first time I walked in a hospital after she passed and the smell hit me. I crossed the threshold and stopped. My poor husband was behind me and ran right into me! I was frozen in place and apparently turning green, and was not completely sure whether I needed to find a bathroom or trash can post haste. He gently pushed me through the door and guided me where we needed to go. At the time I didn’t even know what a trigger was and just did all I knew to do and that was push forward. Even if it was in a fog.
People also don’t tell you how often grief will be a part of your life. A few years after mom, I later lost my sister and then my dad to cancer. And various aunts and uncles along the way as well. For a while there I wondered not when it would end but, if it would end.
And every time, those same stages would come with varying intensities.
How often have you experienced that same grief over the loss of something else, like a job? Or a friend?
They can throw you for a loop quickly. Some of it for me was comfort zones. For the jobs. I fell into a comfort zone and suddenly it was gone with the job loss.
I’ve lost friends and relationships that were like family. Those cut deep. It’s one thing to have a someone you love no longer here and therefore unable to love you on Earth but its quite another to have someone down the street and know they just don’t want you anymore. Now you are adding some betrayal in there with the grief.
I digress, the point is, there are many things in your life that can trigger the emotion of grief.
It can be as simple as losing a car. That first car that you had for years and it just finally gave it up or became more expensive than it was worth. A breakup can do it. A child moving away can trigger grief from that separation.
Grief takes many forms and everyone handles it differently. The stages don’t change, just how the person reacts to it.
You have to consider what the grief triggered. Loss and death are fairly obvious, but it can also bring up feelings of abandonment. I have health issues and that can often trigger those feelings again as I wonder if it’s something hereditary.
If it’s a lost relationship, feelings of being unworthy will undoubtably surface. The “I’m not good enough” feelings. The “I’m not worthy of their love” is a popular one as well.
The work to get past those triggers is important. And that may not even be a reasonable solution. First you have to identify the trigger then understand how to address it.
What are some ways you can do this work?
- Mindset work where you reprogram your “I am not good/worthy” feelings to affirmations help. This is where you learn to love yourself and everything about you.
I have a side note with this. I have also done work with an astrologist and a human design expert. This gave me insight into how I’m wired and why I do things the way I do. This is not to make an excuse. This knowledge can help you operate at your highest capacity. You start to recognize things about yourself so those triggers start to really make sense. How you handle your job and co-workers makes sense. You may discover that one reason you aren’t operating at your highest is you aren’t in a job that suits you and the way you are wired. This is one I never would have thought of before, but it is invaluable to learning who I am and why I am fabulous!
- Learning to recognize your victim mentality. Do you find yourself making excuses or blaming others? I did this a lot. I was planted in the comfort zone of being a victim. When I started to see it, I was able to turn that way of thinking to positive as well. To take responsibility for my own actions. I wanted a business. I had to stop blaming having no time. I had to accept the choices I made on how I spent my time and be realistic about what I could do with a full time job. I had to set realistic goals and then action items to reach those goals. That went for business or life or relationships. I had to learn to look at myself first, identify the issue and then address it honestly.
- The other thing I had to do was learn to recognize when it wasn’t me. I had to learnwhen the feelings of others was their projections onto me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. They had those feelings about themselves and would either put others down to make themselves feel better or call themselves helping when all the time they were ones that needed the growth.
Now not to say there weren’t things to learn for myself as well, but taking the time to recognize what was happening created a huge change in my attitude and outlook. Again, I identified the problem and determined if it was me or them. If it’s me, I can adjust. If its them, I have to bless and release. This isn’t my issue to bear.
- One more was triggers. Things from my past come back all the time. So do old reactions to things that happened before. Some are literal trauma responses. Again, identifying the issue and then working on that solution. The trigger is abandonment… why? Was it back to feeling not good enough? We talked about that one already! Like I said, triggers can come in a variety of forms – recognizing it is the first step.
- The loss in death was always harder, at least for me. Some of these other things we can have at least some control with, but with death you can’t.
I still found myself having to identify where I was angry, the core of the emotion and sometimes I have to just sit with it. I have to let it pass through me and let it run its course so to speak. Sometimes allowing grief to wash through in that way can be very cleansing. It can take the energy of those emotions and let them start to fall away.
Working with a coach is a great way to work through some of the things. Mindset especially. But there may be more that needs to happen. A counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist may be necessary. Some wounds and traumas go deep and need deeper help. Some coaches are equipped for that, I have a friend who is a counselor and does both. Some, however, aren’t.
I’ll be honest, I think a lot of this road is acknowledging you need help and then having the courage to ask for it. Having the courage to speak and be vulnerable. That is a huge first step all by itself. The inner work can be hard and painful. Holding a mirror up to yourself is not always the most fun thing, but when you start to really love who’s looking back at you, your life will change. The grief of letting go of you the old you… the one that doesn’t work for you anymore… that is grief worth going through. I’ve cried many tears with a coach in my life, but the result is so freeing and worth every tear.
Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
4 Questions You Need to Answer For Your Business
Today we are talking business… Have you been thinking about starting your own business? Maybe you have something you love to do and you want to make it a side gig for a little extra money. Or maybe you are looking to replace your full time gig.
Good for you!! Having your own business can be a wonderful, fulfilling experience.
Beyond the idea, how far have you planned and thought things through. Basically, now what?
Some people come up with the idea and are gung-ho and they just leap. They do it. They make the cake or cupcakes. Maybe it starts with doing it for a friend or family member. For some it’s a coaching course and they just tell people and do it. This is an approach many people take and it works for them. I’ve taken courses myself where you are taught how to do that very thing. How to launch your course or your business.
And it is a very viable and useful approach.
But for some of us, it feels a bit backwards. It’s like a ready, fire, aim feeling. I’m one that feels there needs to be some planning before you just leap. I find jumping off in that way much more difficult. You are no less gung-ho but you find yourself sort of freezing, unsure of what to do next.
The first approach is useful because it gets you out of the freeze mode. It forces you to just do it. Do it messy! Don’t worry about perfection just get it out there. And there are many valuable lessons there as well. One is that it doesn’t have to be perfect. You learn that the world did not end.. you didn’t fall flat on your face… you CAN do this…
But even if you do that and it all works and you learn the things, no matter which personality type you fall under, I believe there still needs to be some planning behind your business.
You need to know how to make this idea a viable business. I believe you have to start with a solid foundation.
What does that mean? Well, I think there’s actually a lot that needs to happen as far as planning for your business but we will get into more of that later. The truth is, it can be overwhelming if you let it. You have to make it bite size and break it into doable tasks.
What’s the saying… How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
I believe you start with the basics. There are 4 questions I ask my clients before we get started with their planning. They not only help me know your business so I can help you grow it, it helps the client know their business.
For me, these questions are vital.
What’s your why?
What problem does your business solve?
Who is your ideal client?
How will you generate income?
- What’s Your why…
We’ve actually talked about this before. Is it money? Is it fulfillment? Is it your love for helping others? Is it the desire to make the perfect cake for someone’s event? Answer it and then own it. Your why is the core of your business. It’s what you build everything around. It’s the thing you LOVE and lights your soul on fire.
My experience has been that when business ventures are only about money, they need more behind it to truly succeed. The cold hard truth is, running your own business is not all rainbows and unicorns. Just because you no longer punch someone else’s time clock doesn’t mean you don’t have to work. And there’s no one to save you. You save yourself and make all the decisions.
Sometimes, when you are in a valley it’s hard and it can feel soul sucking.
This is why I say you need to love it. Look, I’m not saying that business is all gloom and doom. It can be wonderful and fulfilling and give you all your dreams, that is absolutely true. But when you lose your way, your why is where you return to. It’s the thing that will center you and it will be your lighthouse… your beacon…
I recommend journaling this out and really knowing the answer. Go through all your reasons for doing this. If you find yourself only listing things you hate about your current situation, try turning those to positives with “I want” or “I will” statements instead of I hate. At the core of all that, you will find what you love about your business idea and your why will start to emerge.
- What problem does your business solve?
It can be a literal problem. It can be for entertainment. But there has to be a reason. Are you a bookkeeper who makes accounting for a small mom & pop easier? Do you make beautiful bird feeders that are the perfect gift? Do you coach someone to help them find their purpose?
What’s your purpose? Dig deep. Find it. Understand it.
Maybe you are a fitness coach who shows women the best exercise and diet practices for their body type and their busy life.
For me… I help people get unstuck and find their next steps to move forward in their life or their business. Often people need someone to just walk them through their action plan or create an action plan. They think they don’t know how, so they get stuck and frozen in inactivity. That’s where I come in.
So do you know what problem your business solves?
Have you ever had someone ask you for your elevator pitch? Have you heard of an elevator pitch? Let me explain just in case since I am a bit old school… Basically let’s say you meet someone in an elevator and they ask you what you do. Can you answer before you reach your stop? You should be able to articulate what you do in just 2, maybe 3 sentences in a way that will leave that person with a clear understanding. From there, they decide if they want to move forward in working or shopping with you. If your answer is well… and then you launch into a 10 minute, short novel, you will lose them. If you don’t know what you do, how can you expect people to want to work with you?
This is another journaling exercise. Start writing it out. List all the things you do, then figure out what shingle you want to hang on your door. It may not list everything you do, but that’s ok. You need the shingle. Someone is a general surgeon, you get the idea… you don’t need to know every type of surgery they perform.
Narrow it down. Word smith it. Try it out on people.
When you can articulate it, guess what? There’s your mission statement for your business.
- Who is your ideal client?
Again, Write it down. I say that a lot don’t I?… Anyway, give your person a name. Give them a job, a house, kids and make them real. If it’s more than one, have more than one. But only if it’s necessary, otherwise start with the one. Know them. Know how they think and act. Once you know who they are, you know where to find them. This tells you how you will market to them.
Example: Annie is a middle class mom with multiple kids who is lost in a full time job. She has gained weight and is feeling her age. She wants to get in shape, but needs ideas for healthy meals that won’t take too much time or budget. Family friendly would be even better. And she needs friends to keep her accountable. Beachbody coach! Healthy food blogger! This is your girl.
I suspect you will also find that more often than not, your ideal client is very similar to you. So maybe start there.
- How will you generate income?
This can be as easy as an hourly rate or it can include offering packages or courses. A bookkeeper that can work from home for multiple businesses could establish an hourly rate or offer monthly packages for set tasks.
Remember, when creating packages, consider what scope of work you will offer and list it.
I can’t stress enough, don’t undersell yourself.
Part of your rate should include: how long the work will realistically take you, the experience you bring to the table and your own expenses. If you have left your full-time gig, there is no longer a boss supplying the printer ink. You are the boss now and it all adds up. Also, research what other people in your field/market charge. What will the market bear, what can you expect, is it time to raise the bar?
If the cakes you make cost $20 for ingredients, also consider how long it really takes to make the cake. What’s the baking time and decorating time. Let’s say 4 hours total. What’s your hourly rate? $50 an hour? That’s $220. Of course, there are certainly other things you may need to consider like how intricate is the design. How many colors of icing did you need? How big is the cake? What I’m hoping you are gathering here is, count everything and then see where you arrive for price. From there you can make adjustments if you wish.
But hear this, your price is your price. NEVER apologize for it. You don’t need to justify it. You are worth it. Your work will prove it. The people who are meant to work with you will come.
I want to say one more thing though, this is a hard thing for me to juggle at times myself. There’s knowing your worth and there’s pricing yourself out of business. It can be a fine line and hard to determine at times. I truly believe that if you offer quality work, people will come and they will pay, but I also think you should be reasonable as well. There is a balance to all this and you may have to play around with things like pricing a bit to figure out what works. You can also raise your rates later if that is in alignment.
The key is to figure out you can sell your product or service to determine if your business idea is viable.
Also consider this, when you start charging your hobby is no longer a hobby. Make sure you are ok with that and know it’s ok if you aren’t. You are allowed to have hobbies that are just that!
All I ask is that you Be honest with yourself when answering these questions. Don’t be afraid to erase and start over. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And it may even feel silly at first but I promise if you will trust the process of journaling it out, you will see your true thoughts come out and you will see the patterns emerge that give you a better picture of what you want.
Journaling can be a powerful thing if you lean in and the let the words flow.
The answers are there, you just have to trust yourself.
You know what else? Now that you are done with this exercise, you have some of the basics of a business plan! Which is a big part of keeping your business on track!
If you are stuck and struggling, don’t worry. There are folks like me that are here to help.
Don’t give up! You’ve got this.
Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
Control Freak in Recovery
I got my hair cut the other day and I cried all the way home. I know what you’re thinking, it’s just hair, and besides how bad can it be?
That’s kind of the point. Its not bad. My hairdresser is amazing and its really cute, but it’s not me. At least not the me that I’ve been hanging onto for dear life these past few months.
I’ve had long hair for as long as I can remember. I would say, save for a few months about 20 years ago, it’s been long all my adult life. My hair is curly and truthfully a pain in the butt when it’s shorter. Humidity is not my friend and I currently reside in the deep south, so… there’s that. Therefore, I always keep it below my shoulders. Plus, I don’t have to do much to it. It kind of just does it’s thing, but I have the option for a ponytail or braid when it’s hot or been a little too long between washes.
My hair was so thick most of my life that it could literally take 2 days to dry if I let it air dry. A braid was like a rope. Then came age and a couple of minor health issues that cause hair loss and suddenly it was much thinner but we were getting some new growth and working on the issues. Then came covid. Sneaky little bastard. I had a mild case with no big worries actually until after. My body was not right and my hair was coming out in chunks. I looked like I was literally going bald. I wasn’t ready to shave it and start again so I felt the only choice I felt I had was to cut it and try to take some weight off of it while I worked with it and waited it out. People were saying the loss stops in a few months.
So, off to my friend I went. If anyone was doing this it was her. I’ve known her for years and I trust her. She’s my friend and I love her and she is also just amazingly talented. Below the shoulders. We agreed. Some color to cover the gray but nothing else. Let’s preserve and let the hair get stronger. It was so cute and she worked so hard to get the color we wanted, but still the tears came.
All the way home ya’ll… openly weeping. All I could think was what the hell is wrong with you? It’s a hair cut! A hair cut I asked for! I mean what did I expect? I guess that’s the problem, I kind of knew what to expect and I was pissed that I felt backed into a corner.
So, I started to trying to process so I could work on it and try to get over this anger and it all came out like a fucking flood. To put it mildly, I was mad. Not just normal, oh that pisses me off mad, I was pissed. I was ANGRY! I was, where is my punching bag I need to let some steam off, angry! But why? Well evidently, my brain decided to let me know and the long and short of it was it was everything.
Starting with Covid did this to me. This fucked up mess that we were all put in did this to me.
I was mad at my husband for something. Probably something stupid since I don’t even remember. At that point he could have breathed wrong and it would have bothered me.
I was mad at my son because he’s trying to figure out his life and I want him to listen to me! And do things the way I told him, because of course that’s rational right?
I was mad because I knew how much it’s going to take to keep this up. I will actually have to do things to it and that’s why I had long hair in the first place! So I didn’t have to do that! Pony tails and braids were the extent of my hair duties before and now I’m gonna have to do all the curly hair things and straighten it and find clips and hair bands… and ugh! That was going to take my time and I am already fighting to have enough time to do all the things I need to do!
I was mad that I looked my sister now and she died over 20 years ago and she left me here to deal with all this shit on my own! I mean, really? Why? I need her here damn it! If she were here, she would have all the answers! And she would give them to me!
I was mad that my body for not cooperating anymore. I have long covid symptoms that are messing up my daily life and I’m tired of being tired and having to explain why I don’t act like I used to.
There was more but it’s not important.
What’s important is, it’s all on me. This is projecting your shit at it’s finest people.
This is about control and my need to have it and the universe telling me no. This is the universe saying you wanted change, well buckle up buttercup cause change is a bitch.
So then I wondered where to start.
I could work through most of this and regroup and get rational again, after all, I was just letting my emotions run away with me. This is very human and very workable. Growth can be painful and I was letting the pain win.
But I had to get to core of what the real issues were to move forward. Sometimes, its’ true that the planets may be wrecking havoc on your emotions. Sometimes, it may be hormonal, but even still, something triggered it. Something got me there and I needed to know what.
You will hear this a lot here, a good place to start is to write it down. Journal it out. Let all those emotions out and then start figuring out to change the perspective, the attitude or just let it go.
Sometimes letting go can include forgiving you and another person and moving on. That’s a good time to write a letter about it with ALL the things you need to say. And I do mean all. Cry, state your intention of letting it go, then light that sucker up. Burn it, and send the negative away.
Changing the perspective and attitude is a little different. Journaling allows you to get the emotions out. You will most likely start to see the pattern of what’s really wrong as you write. Then you can determine, is it me or them or the cosmos? No matter who it is, you need to acknowledge your role – good, bad or indifferent.
For me, my husband and I probably needed to talk. I probably needed to apologize. He probably did too. If my emotions were all over the map, I can bet his were too and he doesn’t do all the woo things I do so he just has to deal with it and me. We were out of sync and needed to just talk it out. Talk, hug, remind each other of the love and respect we hold for each other. Hold a space for each other to be honest and then move on and do better. Ok, I can check that one off.
Next, I had to realize my son is fine. He’s young and he’s figuring his life out and I need to let him. I’m here for him and he knows that, but he has to make his own way. He has fears just like we do. I need to make space for him to feel safe. Miss control freak needs to roll her slow and just love him. Again, communication and getting on the same page. Ok, check that one… Hug my son and tell him I love him, got it.
My sister is a bit of a different challenge. We’ll have to talk one day about how grief isn’t linear but that’s another day. Sometimes you need to just sit with an emotion. Acknowledge it, give it a glass of wine or share a pint of ice cream and just let it do its thing. Grief can be like that. Sometimes you just have to let it work its way out. I don’t need her, I want her. I miss her and I wanted her to make this easy like she always did, but I can do that too. I’m strong because she and my mom made me that way. It’s gonna be fine, I just need to pick some ice cream and have a good meditation to ground, reconnect and allow myself to go through the process.
The time issue? Well, that’s about my choices isn’t it? Can’t be bitching at the universe because I sometimes choose tik-tok when ther’es a to do list. But, self care is important. Rest is important. Tik-tok not so much, but you get my point. Make choices and then own them. Do what’s right for you and don’t beat yourself up about it. All “the things” will get done when they are supposed to. When you need to rest, rest.
But then I had to figure out what to do with the rest of it. There was anger involved that I can’t necessarily effect change on. Covid just is, I can’t fix it. I can’t prevent it. I’m not even sure I can treat the symptoms. I have to find a way to find my new normal. This is a harder emotion to process.
And the truth is the anger and all the other emotions are valid. But how can I work through it to get myself to a place where I can release this anger and get out of victim mode? It’s not healthy for me or anyone else.
So what I do I do about this one?
Same actually, journal it out. What am I really angry about and how CAN I effect it? All I can change is me and my approach. Change the I can’ts to a positive. Make it an affirmation. Make it a goal.
Things like, I can’t work out like I did before. No, I can’t work out the way I want to, but I can still work out, I just have to listen to my body more.
Or I need to work but I’m just so tired. That’s my body saying it needs to rest. Rest and then I will have renewed energy for my to do list.
My hair is falling out! That’s where we started I think. Yes, this is true, but there is new growth and it’s never looked healthier with my new cut. One friend said I looked 10 years younger. Heck yeah! The truth is, I’ll take that little time warp all day long!
I don’t know how to do this! Becomes, I can do this. How can I think differently? How can I structure my day differently? What are more creative ways to get things done with my new challenges? Look for support from others in a similar position. There may be answers there that haven’t been explored yet.
Are you seeing MY pattern here? It’s about control and my lack thereof especially when it comes to change in my life.
The reality is the old me is going away and when I started this journey, I asked for it to. I wanted to change. I wanted to live the life of my dreams and I certainly wasn’t getting there as the old me.
We change all our lives. We evolve and grow. There are even cyclical changes that happen every 7 years to our health and our bodies. It happens. I started a journey to make it happen and now I’m fighting it? Of course, I am because the old me is my comfort zone and I have control in my comfort zone.
Even a shitty life can be the life you desire if it’s all you know because it becomes your comfort zone and outside of comfort zones can be a very scary place. You don’t know how to act, you don’t know what to say, and it’s full of unknowns. At least in your comfort zone you know what will happen, even it is horrible. It’s known, therefore comfortable.
Have you ever been to a party where you didn’t know anyone and you were so uncomfortable you were suddenly aware of every awkward thing you did? You even started to notice that you can’t figure out what to do with your hands? Pockets… no pockets… clasp in front… clasp behind? What the hell do I do with my hands?? If you’re like me, you get there and realize, Fuck!! I wore the pants with no pockets!!! What the hell am I gonna do now?
Now, I could be upset and fret over it all night or I could change my perspective and say well, no pockets, how am I gonna do this? That allows me to shake a lot of hands or that frees my hands up for fabulous food or exciting drinks. Roll with it. PIVOT as Ross would say. Let it go…
But that’s what being out of your comfort zone does. It ties your tongue, it makes you shift your weight back and forth a lot, it makes you awkwardly say hi and then say something stupid. It makes you put your hands in and out of your pockets… a lot… but you know what else it does? If you let go of trying to control the party and the conversation, it can take you places you never knew. You can make new friends. You can learn new things. You can make a connection that the universe needed you to make that makes your business explode. You could learn something about yourself. Like you went to a party with no pockets and the world didn’t end, what else can I do??? Keep growing, that’s what.
So what if you tried something new? What if you bought pants with no pockets ON PURPOSE! What if you just went shopping and let yourself just see what there is to see. What if you chose to say “I can” instead of “I can’t”. What if you changed your language to I will and put what you desire out to the universe and then got out of your own way and just listened and trusted.
As a control freak in recovery, I get what I’m asking you do and it is no easy feat. But when you do it, the results are terrifyingly glorious. The freedom is… well.. freeing. You don’t have to control it all because God and the Universe will give you what you need, when you need it. But how will you accept it with fists closed in a death grip on the steering wheel of your life?
You are made for great things. You are made to be you and only you and the world is in need of just that thing… you. Trust yourself. Cut your hair, shop with no list. Do the thing and then get out of its way.
Listen to the podcast below or wherever you get your podcasts.