Another thing I had gotten off routine with was journaling. It is such a natural thing after you’ve meditated or had prayer time, but there are so many other uses as well.
It helped me so much even before I started this healing journey. So today I’m talking about journaling, ways you can do it and the benefits.
Listen below or wherever you get your podcasts.
I’ve been on an unexpected hiatus dealing with my health so I decided to catch you guys up on my long haul issues. I am hopeful that sharing my journey and hopefully my journey to recovery will help others find a way to heal as well.
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In this episode I am really pondering how to help a couple of friends who are going through significant losses in their lives. Job loss… losing a loved one. They may be very different events but the feeling of loss is the feeling of loss.
And how many of us continue to pay attention once the loss and initial shock has passed and our friends move into a new and different routine?
Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
One of the biggest struggles I’ve have in my life has been with control… letting go and trusting God and the universe. This episode I decided to talk about some recent experiences that have shown me I can grow and change.
We talk a little about how I got there and some ideas that may help you as well.
Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
I had the great please of speaking with my friend Marie about religion, her recovery and how we are moving through this life.
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I’ve spent years straddling the lines between my work and my spiritual life… my Christianity and my spiritual life. I’m coming out of the closet, so to speak, and getting real about my life.
Listen below or anywhere you get your podcasts.
Listen here or wherever you find your podcasts.
Grief has been a big part of my life lately. Grief can come in many forms but it’s basically mourning the loss of something or someone. I remember one of the first times I dealt with grief, I was 10 and my grandfather had passed and I saw my dad crying. I was sort of mesmerized. I had never seen my dad cry and to be honest I never really did again until my mom passed.
We didn’t really talk about grief in my house. My mom had lost her father several years before I was born and I remember her talking about it at times. She would get this far away look and she would tell me little stories about him. Often, she would smile while telling me, but it was one of those wistful smiles, a happy memory but one that is mixed with sadness.
When she would tell me the story of his passing it was always with sadness and guilt. She had been pregnant with my sister at the time and he was in the hospital in a pretty dire situation. Back then, many medical procedures were still new and risky. She had gone home to clean up, at the insistence of others, and he had passed while she was away. You could tell she had never forgiven herself for what she evidently deemed an unforgiveable act.
I get that, but perhaps there was a reason she wasn’t supposed to be there. I know for me, I’m kind of glad I wasn’t with my loved one, namely her. It allowed me better memories to keep as I moved forward. But for the caregiver in her and for the daughter that was close to her father, it was hard to let go.
My mom was my rock. She was my friend. She was the family glue. She took us through our first journey with cancer and all the lovely things that come with it. When she passed, I felt gutted. I remember thinking I finally understood what people meant when they would use the phrase “waves of grief”. There were times it would come and literally knock my knees out from under me like a wave in the ocean can do.
According to psychology type people, there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
After my mom passed, people would often take particular joy in telling me about these stages and which one I must be in. It was odd, yet comforting. Having a name for it, made it easier to process. It also made me feel like there was an end to the hell. That when I reached that final stage and made my way through it, I would be done. This had to be the illusive “time heals all wounds” thing everyone was talking about it.
If only that had been true. No one told me that you will go through these stages all your life. You my run them all in a matter of minutes. You may just have one hit you at any given moment. Grief and healing are not a linear experience.
When I started figuring that out, to me the “waves of grief” statement took on a new meaning. The waves can be different sizes and effect you differently and they come throughout your life. For me, more often than not, they came without warning and took my knees out again.
And of course, there was also no end. But time did change the emotions. There were times that the intensity of the grief changed, but there are others when mom could have passed yesterday.
One of the biggest reasons for that new wave? Triggers happen. Trauma triggers. Those are fun. Are you familiar with the antiseptic smell in a hospital? I remember the first time I walked in a hospital after she passed and the smell hit me. I crossed the threshold and stopped. My poor husband was behind me and ran right into me! I was frozen in place and apparently turning green, and was not completely sure whether I needed to find a bathroom or trash can post haste. He gently pushed me through the door and guided me where we needed to go. At the time I didn’t even know what a trigger was and just did all I knew to do and that was push forward. Even if it was in a fog.
People also don’t tell you how often grief will be a part of your life. A few years after mom, I later lost my sister and then my dad to cancer. And various aunts and uncles along the way as well. For a while there I wondered not when it would end but, if it would end.
And every time, those same stages would come with varying intensities.
How often have you experienced that same grief over the loss of something else, like a job? Or a friend?
They can throw you for a loop quickly. Some of it for me was comfort zones. For the jobs. I fell into a comfort zone and suddenly it was gone with the job loss.
I’ve lost friends and relationships that were like family. Those cut deep. It’s one thing to have a someone you love no longer here and therefore unable to love you on Earth but its quite another to have someone down the street and know they just don’t want you anymore. Now you are adding some betrayal in there with the grief.
I digress, the point is, there are many things in your life that can trigger the emotion of grief.
It can be as simple as losing a car. That first car that you had for years and it just finally gave it up or became more expensive than it was worth. A breakup can do it. A child moving away can trigger grief from that separation.
Grief takes many forms and everyone handles it differently. The stages don’t change, just how the person reacts to it.
You have to consider what the grief triggered. Loss and death are fairly obvious, but it can also bring up feelings of abandonment. I have health issues and that can often trigger those feelings again as I wonder if it’s something hereditary.
If it’s a lost relationship, feelings of being unworthy will undoubtably surface. The “I’m not good enough” feelings. The “I’m not worthy of their love” is a popular one as well.
The work to get past those triggers is important. And that may not even be a reasonable solution. First you have to identify the trigger then understand how to address it.
What are some ways you can do this work?
I have a side note with this. I have also done work with an astrologist and a human design expert. This gave me insight into how I’m wired and why I do things the way I do. This is not to make an excuse. This knowledge can help you operate at your highest capacity. You start to recognize things about yourself so those triggers start to really make sense. How you handle your job and co-workers makes sense. You may discover that one reason you aren’t operating at your highest is you aren’t in a job that suits you and the way you are wired. This is one I never would have thought of before, but it is invaluable to learning who I am and why I am fabulous!
Now not to say there weren’t things to learn for myself as well, but taking the time to recognize what was happening created a huge change in my attitude and outlook. Again, I identified the problem and determined if it was me or them. If it’s me, I can adjust. If its them, I have to bless and release. This isn’t my issue to bear.
I still found myself having to identify where I was angry, the core of the emotion and sometimes I have to just sit with it. I have to let it pass through me and let it run its course so to speak. Sometimes allowing grief to wash through in that way can be very cleansing. It can take the energy of those emotions and let them start to fall away.
Working with a coach is a great way to work through some of the things. Mindset especially. But there may be more that needs to happen. A counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist may be necessary. Some wounds and traumas go deep and need deeper help. Some coaches are equipped for that, I have a friend who is a counselor and does both. Some, however, aren’t.
I’ll be honest, I think a lot of this road is acknowledging you need help and then having the courage to ask for it. Having the courage to speak and be vulnerable. That is a huge first step all by itself. The inner work can be hard and painful. Holding a mirror up to yourself is not always the most fun thing, but when you start to really love who’s looking back at you, your life will change. The grief of letting go of you the old you… the one that doesn’t work for you anymore… that is grief worth going through. I’ve cried many tears with a coach in my life, but the result is so freeing and worth every tear.
Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.
I got my hair cut the other day and I cried all the way home. I know what you’re thinking, it’s just hair, and besides how bad can it be?
That’s kind of the point. Its not bad. My hairdresser is amazing and its really cute, but it’s not me. At least not the me that I’ve been hanging onto for dear life these past few months.
I’ve had long hair for as long as I can remember. I would say, save for a few months about 20 years ago, it’s been long all my adult life. My hair is curly and truthfully a pain in the butt when it’s shorter. Humidity is not my friend and I currently reside in the deep south, so… there’s that. Therefore, I always keep it below my shoulders. Plus, I don’t have to do much to it. It kind of just does it’s thing, but I have the option for a ponytail or braid when it’s hot or been a little too long between washes.
My hair was so thick most of my life that it could literally take 2 days to dry if I let it air dry. A braid was like a rope. Then came age and a couple of minor health issues that cause hair loss and suddenly it was much thinner but we were getting some new growth and working on the issues. Then came covid. Sneaky little bastard. I had a mild case with no big worries actually until after. My body was not right and my hair was coming out in chunks. I looked like I was literally going bald. I wasn’t ready to shave it and start again so I felt the only choice I felt I had was to cut it and try to take some weight off of it while I worked with it and waited it out. People were saying the loss stops in a few months.
So, off to my friend I went. If anyone was doing this it was her. I’ve known her for years and I trust her. She’s my friend and I love her and she is also just amazingly talented. Below the shoulders. We agreed. Some color to cover the gray but nothing else. Let’s preserve and let the hair get stronger. It was so cute and she worked so hard to get the color we wanted, but still the tears came.
All the way home ya’ll… openly weeping. All I could think was what the hell is wrong with you? It’s a hair cut! A hair cut I asked for! I mean what did I expect? I guess that’s the problem, I kind of knew what to expect and I was pissed that I felt backed into a corner.
So, I started to trying to process so I could work on it and try to get over this anger and it all came out like a fucking flood. To put it mildly, I was mad. Not just normal, oh that pisses me off mad, I was pissed. I was ANGRY! I was, where is my punching bag I need to let some steam off, angry! But why? Well evidently, my brain decided to let me know and the long and short of it was it was everything.
Starting with Covid did this to me. This fucked up mess that we were all put in did this to me.
I was mad at my husband for something. Probably something stupid since I don’t even remember. At that point he could have breathed wrong and it would have bothered me.
I was mad at my son because he’s trying to figure out his life and I want him to listen to me! And do things the way I told him, because of course that’s rational right?
I was mad because I knew how much it’s going to take to keep this up. I will actually have to do things to it and that’s why I had long hair in the first place! So I didn’t have to do that! Pony tails and braids were the extent of my hair duties before and now I’m gonna have to do all the curly hair things and straighten it and find clips and hair bands… and ugh! That was going to take my time and I am already fighting to have enough time to do all the things I need to do!
I was mad that I looked my sister now and she died over 20 years ago and she left me here to deal with all this shit on my own! I mean, really? Why? I need her here damn it! If she were here, she would have all the answers! And she would give them to me!
I was mad that my body for not cooperating anymore. I have long covid symptoms that are messing up my daily life and I’m tired of being tired and having to explain why I don’t act like I used to.
There was more but it’s not important.
What’s important is, it’s all on me. This is projecting your shit at it’s finest people.
This is about control and my need to have it and the universe telling me no. This is the universe saying you wanted change, well buckle up buttercup cause change is a bitch.
So then I wondered where to start.
I could work through most of this and regroup and get rational again, after all, I was just letting my emotions run away with me. This is very human and very workable. Growth can be painful and I was letting the pain win.
But I had to get to core of what the real issues were to move forward. Sometimes, its’ true that the planets may be wrecking havoc on your emotions. Sometimes, it may be hormonal, but even still, something triggered it. Something got me there and I needed to know what.
You will hear this a lot here, a good place to start is to write it down. Journal it out. Let all those emotions out and then start figuring out to change the perspective, the attitude or just let it go.
Sometimes letting go can include forgiving you and another person and moving on. That’s a good time to write a letter about it with ALL the things you need to say. And I do mean all. Cry, state your intention of letting it go, then light that sucker up. Burn it, and send the negative away.
Changing the perspective and attitude is a little different. Journaling allows you to get the emotions out. You will most likely start to see the pattern of what’s really wrong as you write. Then you can determine, is it me or them or the cosmos? No matter who it is, you need to acknowledge your role – good, bad or indifferent.
For me, my husband and I probably needed to talk. I probably needed to apologize. He probably did too. If my emotions were all over the map, I can bet his were too and he doesn’t do all the woo things I do so he just has to deal with it and me. We were out of sync and needed to just talk it out. Talk, hug, remind each other of the love and respect we hold for each other. Hold a space for each other to be honest and then move on and do better. Ok, I can check that one off.
Next, I had to realize my son is fine. He’s young and he’s figuring his life out and I need to let him. I’m here for him and he knows that, but he has to make his own way. He has fears just like we do. I need to make space for him to feel safe. Miss control freak needs to roll her slow and just love him. Again, communication and getting on the same page. Ok, check that one… Hug my son and tell him I love him, got it.
My sister is a bit of a different challenge. We’ll have to talk one day about how grief isn’t linear but that’s another day. Sometimes you need to just sit with an emotion. Acknowledge it, give it a glass of wine or share a pint of ice cream and just let it do its thing. Grief can be like that. Sometimes you just have to let it work its way out. I don’t need her, I want her. I miss her and I wanted her to make this easy like she always did, but I can do that too. I’m strong because she and my mom made me that way. It’s gonna be fine, I just need to pick some ice cream and have a good meditation to ground, reconnect and allow myself to go through the process.
The time issue? Well, that’s about my choices isn’t it? Can’t be bitching at the universe because I sometimes choose tik-tok when ther’es a to do list. But, self care is important. Rest is important. Tik-tok not so much, but you get my point. Make choices and then own them. Do what’s right for you and don’t beat yourself up about it. All “the things” will get done when they are supposed to. When you need to rest, rest.
But then I had to figure out what to do with the rest of it. There was anger involved that I can’t necessarily effect change on. Covid just is, I can’t fix it. I can’t prevent it. I’m not even sure I can treat the symptoms. I have to find a way to find my new normal. This is a harder emotion to process.
And the truth is the anger and all the other emotions are valid. But how can I work through it to get myself to a place where I can release this anger and get out of victim mode? It’s not healthy for me or anyone else.
So what I do I do about this one?
Same actually, journal it out. What am I really angry about and how CAN I effect it? All I can change is me and my approach. Change the I can’ts to a positive. Make it an affirmation. Make it a goal.
Things like, I can’t work out like I did before. No, I can’t work out the way I want to, but I can still work out, I just have to listen to my body more.
Or I need to work but I’m just so tired. That’s my body saying it needs to rest. Rest and then I will have renewed energy for my to do list.
My hair is falling out! That’s where we started I think. Yes, this is true, but there is new growth and it’s never looked healthier with my new cut. One friend said I looked 10 years younger. Heck yeah! The truth is, I’ll take that little time warp all day long!
I don’t know how to do this! Becomes, I can do this. How can I think differently? How can I structure my day differently? What are more creative ways to get things done with my new challenges? Look for support from others in a similar position. There may be answers there that haven’t been explored yet.
Are you seeing MY pattern here? It’s about control and my lack thereof especially when it comes to change in my life.
The reality is the old me is going away and when I started this journey, I asked for it to. I wanted to change. I wanted to live the life of my dreams and I certainly wasn’t getting there as the old me.
We change all our lives. We evolve and grow. There are even cyclical changes that happen every 7 years to our health and our bodies. It happens. I started a journey to make it happen and now I’m fighting it? Of course, I am because the old me is my comfort zone and I have control in my comfort zone.
Even a shitty life can be the life you desire if it’s all you know because it becomes your comfort zone and outside of comfort zones can be a very scary place. You don’t know how to act, you don’t know what to say, and it’s full of unknowns. At least in your comfort zone you know what will happen, even it is horrible. It’s known, therefore comfortable.
Have you ever been to a party where you didn’t know anyone and you were so uncomfortable you were suddenly aware of every awkward thing you did? You even started to notice that you can’t figure out what to do with your hands? Pockets… no pockets… clasp in front… clasp behind? What the hell do I do with my hands?? If you’re like me, you get there and realize, Fuck!! I wore the pants with no pockets!!! What the hell am I gonna do now?
Now, I could be upset and fret over it all night or I could change my perspective and say well, no pockets, how am I gonna do this? That allows me to shake a lot of hands or that frees my hands up for fabulous food or exciting drinks. Roll with it. PIVOT as Ross would say. Let it go…
But that’s what being out of your comfort zone does. It ties your tongue, it makes you shift your weight back and forth a lot, it makes you awkwardly say hi and then say something stupid. It makes you put your hands in and out of your pockets… a lot… but you know what else it does? If you let go of trying to control the party and the conversation, it can take you places you never knew. You can make new friends. You can learn new things. You can make a connection that the universe needed you to make that makes your business explode. You could learn something about yourself. Like you went to a party with no pockets and the world didn’t end, what else can I do??? Keep growing, that’s what.
So what if you tried something new? What if you bought pants with no pockets ON PURPOSE! What if you just went shopping and let yourself just see what there is to see. What if you chose to say “I can” instead of “I can’t”. What if you changed your language to I will and put what you desire out to the universe and then got out of your own way and just listened and trusted.
As a control freak in recovery, I get what I’m asking you do and it is no easy feat. But when you do it, the results are terrifyingly glorious. The freedom is… well.. freeing. You don’t have to control it all because God and the Universe will give you what you need, when you need it. But how will you accept it with fists closed in a death grip on the steering wheel of your life?
You are made for great things. You are made to be you and only you and the world is in need of just that thing… you. Trust yourself. Cut your hair, shop with no list. Do the thing and then get out of its way.
Listen to the podcast below or wherever you get your podcasts.
Have you ever heard someone ask what’s your why? I think the first time I was asked that was when I was trying to start a side-hustle a couple of years ago. We will get into the fact that it shouldn’t be a hustle another day… but I digress. As I processed the question further and as I’ve gone further into healing, I’ve really come to realize that your why is not just about your business. It’s actually about your life as well. If you work a job for someone else, if you are a stay at home mom, if you have or want to have a business of your own, why?
Have you ever really thought about it? Specifically, if you are looking to make a big change in your life, it will come with some kind of challenges. They may be small. You may be in perfect alignment and know your purpose and see your path clearly, but it is a rare thing indeed if there is no dip at all as you head down the path.
Are you familiar with a dip? Something comes along and throws you a curve ball… it takes you off course… or your imposter syndrome kicks in and you are suddenly feeling like this was all a mistake and you can’t do it afterall, all your confidence is just gone. This is a dip. It’s when momentum stops, and the high of making it all happen, dips. Most journeys are full of highs and lows. The highs are fairly easy, but I find many of us aren’t prepared for the lows. They throw us and we struggle to recover. In those moments, more than ever, you need your why to keep you going. To right the ship. To help you find center again.
I hear a lot of people say their why is their kids or their spouse. I did too once upon a time. I ask you to go deeper though. What do you mean your kids?
Is it to stay home with them and not have to worry about taking off for things you want to do with them? To be with them? Maybe you want to be able to pay for vacations or fun things to do with them and you are looking for things that will give you that freedom.
So when you really dig and ask the questions, you may find that the real answer is you want freedom… time freedom, financial freedom.
Maybe you want to show them that working hard and pursuing your dreams and never giving up can give you the life of your dreams. Being that amazing example can be a great why, but is it strong enough to really bring you back to center? If it is great.
My why became about freedom and financial freedom. Being able to put money away for the things we need without having to struggle. The freedom to travel or go to events without having to count vacation days first.
Your why can be a multitude of things. You may be someone who is in recovery and want and need to help other addicts. You may be a domestic abuse survivor that wants to empower others to leave their abuser. You may love helping people find the perfect diet to fit their body type and to be more healthy.
As you go through this journey to the life of your dreams there will be times when things are great. You are answering the call. You have your ideas and you are putting them out there and it’s working… and there are days where you hit snags. Your launch didn’t go well. You had negative comments on a post… A dip can be many things. It could be illness or a personal setback.
There will be dips where you don’t want to face your computer. Dips where you feel like you don’t have a creative thought left in your head. You will look at a stack of crafting tools and supplies in your office and wonder to yourself “what was I thinking?”
In those moments, going back to your why is as important as ever.
If you don’t know your why, I encourage you to discover it.
A great way to work on it is to journal. If you don’t have a journal, find a notebook, or buy a journal… but the point is – write it down. Let your thoughts and emotions come out. Make a list.
Mine starts with 1) I hate my commute. 2) I hate that my time is not my own. 3) I hate that I have to figure out how to pay for things.
That list can go on, but my point is, do you see a pattern here? That’s a lot of hate! Have you heard “you reap what you sow?” Well, when all you do is hate then that’s what you tend to get, is things you hate.
What is better? Hate or love? Even a strong like or want is better than hate…
What if you turned that around and went back through your list and turned those hates into wants or goals. This can also include things that you envision your dream life to be.
For me… mine were things like I love being creative. I love having the freedom to travel. I love my co-workers. I love my paycheck. I love my benefits.
My child is older and doesn’t need my time like he did before but financial freedom allows me to help him get on his feet into adulthood. Being creative helps me work with him as he grows his own business. Time freedom allows us to do things as a family without having to worry about time off.
It also gives me the ability to do what I love. Is that always easy? No… are there days where your creativity feels off? Of course. But That time freedom allows me to hit those slumps without worrying though. And doing what I love… helps me be a better me.
So my why is about freedom.
I also learned that there are things about my corporate life that I didn’t want to give up. The steady paycheck, my benefits… the family of co-workers. So I had to consider those things and how I could structure a life I wanted that included freedom but some of the benefits of having a job.
That compromise and the parts that are so important to me have to be included in my why especially on days when I am feeling frustrated and lost. I need to remind myself of the reasons I made the choices I made.
So what is your why? Maybe yours isn’t about freedom at all. Maybe its more about others. We talked about this before… maybe you know you need to help people. Maybe You’ve been down a difficult path and you now want to help others make their way to a better life. When you hit a dip and feel like you can’t do it anymore… will the image of you, at your lowest and remembering how someone helped you
be the thing that can pull you out of your funk? Remembering that someone desperate needs you now and you want to pay it forward?
That’s your why.
I believe the key is to peel back the layers and get to the core of what you are really doing this for. Get to the core of your purpose and why you are on this path. This may take time… it may change or expand a bit, but most likely if you are truly at your core belief it will remain largely the same.
Now don’t get me wrong… your why can be truly simple.. it could be making the perfect cupcake because that brings you more joy than anything else in your life. That is a beautiful thing! But is there more? Do you love the creativity of making a new recipe?… do you love the art of decorating?… Do you love the smile on a childs face when they get the perfect cupcake for their birthday or their celebration of an A in school?
I encourage you to make sure… to Journal it out… you will see those patterns pointing to what you love and why you love it. It can carry you through the rough and challenging parts of your journey.
Remember… Your why is yours and only yours. You can’t use mine… you can’t use your friends. It needs to be yours and I believe you need to dig deeper, and continue to peal back the layers until you get to the down and dirty real truth. Peal until there’s no more to peal and there you will find your real why.
Once you have it, you will be able to refer back to it, both on good and bad days. Being able to remind yourself… and having that beacon of clarity and safety can bring you back to center when you feel lost. It can also be the source of celebration when you reach a milestone or truly see your goals come to life. When you really know your why you are setting your ultimate goal to your dream life and taking the first step to reaching it.
What’s your why?
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