I got my hair cut the other day and I cried all the way home.  I know what you’re thinking, it’s just hair, and besides how bad can it be? 

That’s kind of the point.  Its not bad. My hairdresser is amazing and its really cute, but it’s not me.  At least not the me that I’ve been hanging onto for dear life these past few months. 

I’ve had long hair for as long as I can remember. I would say, save for a few months about 20 years ago, it’s been long all my adult life.  My hair is curly and truthfully a pain in the butt when it’s shorter.  Humidity is not my friend and I currently reside in the deep south, so… there’s that.  Therefore, I always keep it below my shoulders.  Plus, I don’t have to do much to it.  It kind of just does it’s thing, but I have the option for a ponytail or braid when it’s hot or been a little too long between washes. 

My hair was so thick most of my life that it could literally take 2 days to dry if I let it air dry.  A braid was like a rope.  Then came age and a couple of minor health issues that cause hair loss and suddenly it was much thinner but we were getting some new growth and working on the issues.  Then came covid.  Sneaky little bastard.  I had a mild case with no big worries actually until after.  My body was not right and my hair was coming out in chunks.  I looked like I was literally going bald.  I wasn’t ready to shave it and start again so I felt the only choice I felt I had was to cut it and try to take some weight off of it while I worked with it and waited it out.  People were saying the loss stops in a few months.    

So, off to my friend I went.  If anyone was doing this it was her.  I’ve known her for years and I trust her.  She’s my friend and I love her and she is also just amazingly talented.  Below the shoulders.  We agreed.  Some color to cover the gray but nothing else.  Let’s preserve and let the hair get stronger.  It was so cute and she worked so hard to get the color we wanted, but still the tears came.

All the way home ya’ll… openly weeping.  All I could think was what the hell is wrong with you? It’s a hair cut!  A hair cut I asked for! I mean what did I expect?  I guess that’s the problem, I kind of knew what to expect and I was pissed that I felt backed into a corner.

So, I started to trying to process so I could work on it and try to get over this anger and it all came out like a fucking flood.  To put it mildly, I was mad.  Not just normal, oh that pisses me off mad, I was pissed. I was ANGRY!  I was, where is my punching bag I need to let some steam off, angry!  But why?  Well evidently, my brain decided to let me know and the long and short of it was it was everything. 

Starting with Covid did this to me.  This fucked up mess that we were all put in did this to me. 

I was mad at my husband for something.  Probably something stupid since I don’t even remember.  At that point he could have breathed wrong and it would have bothered me.

I was mad at my son because he’s trying to figure out his life and I want him to listen to me!  And do things the way I told him, because of course that’s rational right?

I was mad because I knew how much it’s going to take to keep this up.  I will actually have to do things to it and that’s why I had long hair in the first place! So I didn’t have to do that!  Pony tails and braids were the extent of my hair duties before and now I’m gonna have to do all the curly hair things and straighten it and find clips and hair bands… and ugh!  That was going to take my time and I am already fighting to have enough time to do all the things I need to do! 

I was mad that I looked my sister now and she died over 20 years ago and she left me here to deal with all this shit on my own!  I mean, really?  Why?  I need her here damn it!  If she were here, she would have all the answers!  And she would give them to me!

I was mad that my body for not cooperating anymore.  I have long covid symptoms that are messing up my daily life and I’m tired of being tired and having to explain why I don’t act like I used to.

There was more but it’s not important.

What’s important is, it’s all on me.  This is projecting your shit at it’s finest people. 

This is about control and my need to have it and the universe telling me no.  This is the universe saying you wanted change, well buckle up buttercup cause change is a bitch. 

So then I wondered where to start. 

I could work through most of this and regroup and get rational again, after all, I was just letting my emotions run away with me.  This is very human and very workable.  Growth can be painful and I was letting the pain win. 

But I had to get to core of what the real issues were to move forward.  Sometimes, its’ true that the planets may be wrecking havoc on your emotions.  Sometimes, it may be hormonal, but even still, something triggered it.  Something got me there and I needed to know what.

You will hear this a lot here, a good place to start is to write it down.  Journal it out.  Let all those emotions out and then start figuring out to change the perspective, the attitude or just let it go.

Sometimes letting go can include forgiving you and another person and moving on.  That’s a good time to write a letter about it with ALL the things you need to say.  And I do mean all.  Cry, state your intention of letting it go, then light that sucker up.  Burn it, and send the negative away.

Changing the perspective and attitude is a little different.  Journaling allows you to get the emotions out.  You will most likely start to see the pattern of what’s really wrong as you write.  Then you can determine, is it me or them or the cosmos?  No matter who it is, you need to acknowledge your role –  good, bad or indifferent. 

For me, my husband and I probably needed to talk.  I probably needed to apologize.  He probably did too.  If my emotions were all over the map, I can bet his were too and he doesn’t do all the woo things I do so he just has to deal with it and me. We were out of sync and needed to just talk it out.  Talk, hug, remind each other of the love and respect we hold for each other.  Hold a space for each other to be honest and then move on and do better.  Ok, I can check that one off.

Next, I had to realize my son is fine. He’s young and he’s figuring his life out and I need to let him.  I’m here for him and he knows that, but he has to make his own way.  He has fears just like we do.  I need to make space for him to feel safe.  Miss control freak needs to roll her slow and just love him.   Again, communication and getting on the same page.  Ok, check that one…  Hug my son and tell him I love him, got it.

My sister is a bit of a different challenge. We’ll have to talk one day about how grief isn’t linear but that’s another day.   Sometimes you need to just sit with an emotion.  Acknowledge it, give it a glass of wine or share a pint of ice cream and just let it do its thing.  Grief can be like that.  Sometimes you just have to let it work its way out.  I don’t need her, I want her.  I miss her and I wanted her to make this easy like she always did, but I can do that too.  I’m strong because she and my mom made me that way.  It’s gonna be fine, I just need to pick some ice cream and have a good meditation to ground, reconnect and allow myself to go through the process.

The time issue?  Well, that’s about my choices isn’t it?  Can’t be bitching at the universe because I sometimes choose tik-tok when ther’es a to do list.  But, self care is important.  Rest is important.  Tik-tok not so much, but you get my point.  Make choices and then own them.  Do what’s right for you and don’t beat yourself up about it.  All “the things” will get done when they are supposed to.  When you need to rest, rest.

But then I had to figure out what to do with the rest of it.  There was anger involved that I can’t necessarily effect change on.  Covid just is, I can’t fix it.  I can’t prevent it.  I’m not even sure I can treat the symptoms.  I have to find a way to find my new normal.  This is a harder emotion to process. 

And the truth is the anger and all the other emotions are valid.  But how can I work through it to get myself to a place where I can release this anger and get out of victim mode?  It’s not healthy for me or anyone else.

So what I do I do about this one?

Same actually,  journal it out.  What am I really angry about and how CAN I effect it?  All I can change is me and my approach.  Change the I can’ts to a positive.  Make it an affirmation.  Make it a goal.

Things like, I can’t work out like I did before.  No, I can’t work out the way I want to, but I can still work out, I just have to listen to my body more.

Or I need to work but I’m just so tired.  That’s my body saying it needs to rest.  Rest and then I will have renewed energy for my to do list. 

My hair is falling out!  That’s where we started I think.  Yes, this is true, but there is new growth and it’s never looked healthier with my new cut.  One friend said I looked 10 years younger.  Heck yeah!  The truth is, I’ll take that little time warp all day long!

I don’t know how to do this!  Becomes, I can do this.  How can I think differently?  How can I structure my day differently?  What are more creative ways to get things done with my new challenges?  Look for support from others in a similar position.  There may be answers there that haven’t been explored yet.

Are you seeing MY pattern here?  It’s about control and my lack thereof especially when it comes to change in my life. 

The reality is the old me is going away and when I started this journey, I asked for it to.  I wanted to change.  I wanted to live the life of my dreams and I certainly wasn’t getting there as the old me.

We change all our lives.  We evolve and grow.  There are even cyclical changes that happen every 7 years to our health and our bodies.  It happens.  I started a journey to make it happen and now I’m fighting it?  Of course, I am because the old me is my comfort zone and I have control in my comfort zone.

Even a shitty life can be the life you desire if it’s all you know because it becomes your comfort zone and outside of comfort zones can be a very scary place.  You don’t know how to act, you don’t know what to say, and it’s full of unknowns.  At least in your comfort zone you know what will happen, even it is horrible.  It’s known, therefore comfortable. 

Have you ever been to a party where you didn’t know anyone and you were so uncomfortable you were suddenly aware of every awkward thing you did?  You even started to notice that you can’t figure out what to do with your hands?  Pockets… no pockets… clasp in front… clasp behind?  What the hell do I do with my hands??  If you’re like me, you get there and realize, Fuck!! I wore the pants with no pockets!!!   What the hell am I gonna do now?

Now, I could be upset and fret over it all night or I could change my perspective and say well, no pockets, how am I gonna do this?  That allows me to shake a lot of hands or that frees my hands up for fabulous food or exciting drinks.  Roll with it. PIVOT as Ross would say.  Let it go…  

But that’s what being out of your comfort zone does.  It ties your tongue, it makes you shift your weight back and forth a lot, it makes you awkwardly say hi and then say something stupid.  It makes you put your hands in and out of your pockets… a lot… but you know what else it does?  If you let go of trying to control the party and the conversation, it can take you places you never knew.  You can make new friends. You can learn new things. You can make a connection that the universe needed you to make that makes your business explode.  You could learn something about yourself.  Like you went to a party with no pockets and the world didn’t end, what else can I do???  Keep growing, that’s what.

So what if you tried something new?  What if you bought pants with no pockets ON PURPOSE!  What if you just went shopping and let yourself just see what there is to see.   What if you chose to say “I can” instead of “I can’t”.  What if you changed your language to I will and put what you desire out to the universe and then got out of your own way and just listened and trusted.

As a control freak in recovery, I get what I’m asking you do and it is no easy feat.  But when you do it, the results are terrifyingly glorious.  The freedom is… well.. freeing.  You don’t have to control it all because God and the Universe will give you what you need, when you need it.  But how will you accept it with fists closed in a death grip on the steering wheel of your life? 

You are made for great things.  You are made to be you and only you and the world is in need of just that thing… you.  Trust yourself.  Cut your hair, shop with no list.  Do the thing and then get out of its way. 

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