Listen here or wherever you find your podcasts.

Grief has been a big part of my life lately.  Grief can come in many forms but it’s basically mourning the loss of something or someone.  I remember one of the first times I dealt with grief, I was 10 and my grandfather had passed and I saw my dad crying.  I was sort of mesmerized.  I had never seen my dad cry and to be honest I never really did again until my mom passed.

We didn’t really talk about grief in my house.  My mom had lost her father several years before I was born and I remember her talking about it at times.  She would get this far away look and she would tell me little stories about him.  Often, she would smile while telling me, but it was one of those wistful smiles, a happy memory but one that is mixed with sadness.

When she would tell me the story of his passing it was always with sadness and guilt.  She had been pregnant with my sister at the time and he was in the hospital in a pretty dire situation.  Back then, many medical procedures were still new and risky.  She had gone home to clean up, at the insistence of others, and he had passed while she was away.  You could tell she had never forgiven herself for what she evidently deemed an unforgiveable act.  

I get that, but perhaps there was a reason she wasn’t supposed to be there.  I know for me, I’m kind of glad I wasn’t with my loved one, namely her.  It allowed me better memories to keep as I moved forward.  But for the caregiver in her and for the daughter that was close to her father, it was hard to let go.

My mom was my rock.  She was my friend. She was the family glue.  She took us through our first journey with cancer and all the lovely things that come with it. When she passed, I felt gutted.  I remember thinking I finally understood what people meant when they would use the phrase “waves of grief”.   There were times it would come and literally knock my knees out from under me like a wave in the ocean can do. 

According to psychology type people, there are 5 stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

After my mom passed, people would often take particular joy in telling me about these stages and which one I must be in.  It was odd, yet comforting.  Having a name for it, made it easier to process.  It also made me feel like there was an end to the hell.  That when I reached that final stage and made my way through it, I would be done.  This had to be the illusive “time heals all wounds” thing everyone was talking about it. 

If only that had been true.  No one told me that you will go through these stages all your life.  You my run them all in a matter of minutes.  You may just have one hit you at any given moment.  Grief and healing are not a linear experience.

When I started figuring that out, to me the “waves of grief” statement took on a new meaning.  The waves can be different sizes and effect you differently and they come throughout your life. For me, more often than not, they came without warning and took my knees out again. 

And of course, there was also no end.  But time did change the emotions.  There were times that the intensity of the grief changed, but there are others when mom could have passed yesterday.

One of the biggest reasons for that new wave? Triggers happen.  Trauma triggers.  Those are fun.  Are you familiar with the antiseptic smell in a hospital?  I remember the first time I walked in a hospital after she passed and the smell hit me.  I crossed the threshold and stopped.  My poor husband was behind me and ran right into me!  I was frozen in place and apparently turning green, and was not completely sure whether I needed to find a bathroom or trash can post haste.  He gently pushed me through the door and guided me where we needed to go.  At the time I didn’t even know what a trigger was and just did all I knew to do and that was push forward.  Even if it was in a fog.

People also don’t tell you how often grief will be a part of your life.  A few years after mom, I later lost my sister and then my dad to cancer.  And various aunts and uncles along the way as well.  For a while there I wondered not when it would end but, if it would end. 

And every time, those same stages would come with varying intensities.

How often have you experienced that same grief over the loss of something else, like a job?  Or a friend?

They can throw you for a loop quickly.  Some of it for me was comfort zones.  For the jobs.  I fell into a comfort zone and suddenly it was gone with the job loss.

I’ve lost friends and relationships that were like family.  Those cut deep.  It’s one thing to have a someone you love no longer here and therefore unable to love you on Earth but its quite another to have someone down the street and know they just don’t want you anymore. Now you are adding some betrayal in there with the grief.

I digress, the point is, there are many things in your life that can trigger the emotion of grief. 

It can be as simple as losing a car.  That first car that you had for years and it just finally gave it up or became more expensive than it was worth.  A breakup can do it.  A child moving away can trigger grief from that separation.

Grief takes many forms and everyone handles it differently.  The stages don’t change, just how the person reacts to it. 

You have to consider what the grief triggered.  Loss and death are fairly obvious, but it can also bring up feelings of abandonment.  I have health issues and that can often trigger those feelings again as I wonder if it’s something hereditary.

If it’s a lost relationship, feelings of being unworthy will undoubtably surface.  The “I’m not good enough” feelings.  The “I’m not worthy of their love” is a popular one as well.

The work to get past those triggers is important.  And that may not even be a reasonable solution.  First you have to identify the trigger then understand how to address it.

What are some ways you can do this work?

1. Mindset work where you reprogram your “I am not good/worthy” feelings to affirmations help.  This is where you learn to love yourself and everything about you.

I have a side note with this.  I have also done work with an astrologist and a human design expert.  This gave me insight into how I’m wired and why I do things the way I do. This is not to make an excuse. This knowledge can help you operate at your highest capacity.  You start to recognize things about yourself so those triggers start to really make sense.  How you handle your job and co-workers makes sense.  You may discover that one reason you aren’t operating at your highest is you aren’t in a job that suits you and the way you are wired.  This is one I never would have thought of before, but it is invaluable to learning who I am and why I am fabulous!

• Learning to recognize your victim mentality.  Do you find yourself making excuses or blaming others?  I did this a lot. I was planted in the comfort zone of being a victim.  When I started to see it, I was able to turn that way of thinking to positive as well.  To take responsibility for my own actions.  I wanted a business.  I had to stop blaming having no time.  I had to accept the choices I made on how I spent my time and be realistic about what I could do with a full time job.  I had to set realistic goals and then action items to reach those goals.  That went for business or life or relationships.  I had to learn to look at myself first, identify the issue and then address it honestly.

• The other thing I had to do was learn to recognize when it wasn’t me.  I had to learnwhen the feelings of others was their projections onto me.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t enough.  They had those feelings about themselves and would either put others down to make themselves feel better or call themselves helping when all the time they were ones that needed the growth.

Now not to say there weren’t things to learn for myself as well, but taking the time to recognize what was happening created a huge change in my attitude and outlook.  Again, I identified the problem and determined if it was me or them. If it’s me, I can adjust.  If its them, I have to bless and release.  This isn’t my issue to bear.

• One more was triggers.  Things from my past come back all the time.  So do old reactions to things that happened before.  Some are literal trauma responses.  Again, identifying the issue and then working on that solution.  The trigger is abandonment… why?  Was it back to feeling not good enough?  We talked about that one already!  Like I said, triggers can come in a variety of forms – recognizing it is the first step.

• The loss in death was always harder, at least for me.  Some of these other things we can have at least some control with, but with death you can’t.

I still found myself having to identify where I was angry, the core of the emotion and sometimes I have to just sit with it.  I have to let it pass through me and let it run its course so to speak.  Sometimes allowing grief to wash through in that way can be very cleansing.  It can take the energy of those emotions and let them start to fall away.

Working with a coach is a great way to work through some of the things.  Mindset especially.  But there may be more that needs to happen.  A counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist may be necessary.   Some wounds and traumas go deep and need deeper help.  Some coaches are equipped for that, I have a friend who is a counselor and does both.  Some, however, aren’t. 

I’ll be honest, I think a lot of this road is acknowledging you need help and then having the courage to ask for it.  Having the courage to speak and be vulnerable.  That is a huge first step all by itself.  The inner work can be hard and painful.  Holding a mirror up to yourself is not always the most fun thing, but when you start to really love who’s looking back at you, your life will change.  The grief of letting go of you the old you… the one that doesn’t work for you anymore… that is grief worth going through.  I’ve cried many tears with a coach in my life, but the result is so freeing and worth every tear.

Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.

Have you ever heard someone ask what’s your why? I think the first time I was asked that was when I was trying to start a side-hustle a couple of years ago.  We will get into the fact that it shouldn’t be a hustle another day… but I digress.  As I processed the question further and as I’ve gone further into healing, I’ve really come to realize that your why is not just about your business. It’s actually about your life as well.  If you work a job for someone else, if you are a stay at home mom, if you have or want to have a business of your own, why?

Have you ever really thought about it?  Specifically, if you are looking to make a big change in your life, it will come with some kind of challenges.  They may be small.  You may be in perfect alignment and know your purpose and see your path clearly, but it is a rare thing indeed if there is no dip at all as you head down the path. 

Are you familiar with a dip?  Something comes along and throws you a curve ball… it takes you off course… or your imposter syndrome kicks in and you are suddenly feeling like this was all a mistake and you can’t do it afterall, all your confidence is just gone.  This is a dip. It’s when momentum stops, and the high of making it all happen, dips. Most journeys are full of highs and lows. The highs are fairly easy, but I find many of us aren’t prepared for the lows.  They throw us and we struggle to recover.  In those moments, more than ever, you need your why to keep you going.  To right the ship. To help you find center again. 

I hear a lot of people say their why is their kids or their spouse.  I did too once upon a time.  I ask you to go deeper though.  What do you mean your kids?

Is it to stay home with them and not have to worry about taking off for things you want to do with them?  To be with them?  Maybe you want to be able to pay for vacations or fun things to do with them and you are looking for things that will give you that freedom. 

So when you really dig and ask the questions, you may find that the real answer is you want freedom… time freedom, financial freedom.

Maybe you want to show them that working hard and pursuing your dreams and never giving up can give you the life of your dreams.  Being that amazing example can be a great why, but is it strong enough to really bring you back to center?  If it is great. 

My why became about freedom and financial freedom.  Being able to put money away for the things we need without having to struggle.  The freedom to travel or go to events without having to count vacation days first.

Your why can be a multitude of things.  You may be someone who is in recovery and want and need to help other addicts.  You may be a domestic abuse survivor that wants to empower others to leave their abuser.  You may love helping people find the perfect diet to fit their body type and to be more healthy.

As you go through this journey to the life of your dreams there will be times when things are great.  You are answering the call.  You have your ideas and you are putting them out there and it’s working… and there are days where you hit snags.  Your launch didn’t go well.  You had negative comments on a post… A dip can be many things.  It could be illness or a personal setback. 

There will be dips where you don’t want to face your computer.  Dips where you feel like you don’t have a creative thought left in your head. You will look at a stack of crafting tools and supplies in your office and wonder to yourself “what was I thinking?”

In those moments, going back to your why is as important as ever. 

If you don’t know your why, I encourage you to discover it.

A great way to work on it is to journal.  If you don’t have a journal, find a notebook, or buy a journal… but the point is – write it down.  Let your thoughts and emotions come out.  Make a list. 

Mine starts with 1) I hate my commute.  2) I hate that my time is not my own.  3) I hate that I have to figure out how to pay for things. 

That list can go on, but my point is, do you see a pattern here?  That’s a lot of hate!  Have you heard “you reap what you sow?”  Well, when all you do is hate then that’s what you tend to get, is things you hate.

What is better?  Hate or love?  Even a strong like or want is better than hate…

What if you turned that around and went back through your list and turned those hates into wants or goals.  This can also include things that you envision your dream life to be.   

For me… mine were things like I love being creative.  I love having the freedom to travel.  I love my co-workers.  I love my paycheck.  I love my benefits. 

My child is older and doesn’t need my time like he did before but financial freedom allows me to help him get on his feet into adulthood.  Being creative helps me work with him as he grows his own business.  Time freedom allows us to do things as a family without having to worry about time off. 

It also gives me the ability to do what I love.  Is that always easy?  No… are there days where your creativity feels off?  Of course.  But That time freedom allows me to hit those slumps without worrying though.  And doing what I love… helps me be a better me.

So my why is about freedom.

I also learned that there are things about my corporate life that I didn’t want to give up.  The steady paycheck, my benefits… the family of co-workers.  So I had to consider those things and how I could structure a life I wanted that included freedom but some of the benefits of having a job. 

That compromise and the parts that are so important to me have to be included in my why especially on days when I am feeling frustrated and lost.  I need to remind myself of the reasons I made the choices I made. 

So what is your why?  Maybe yours isn’t about freedom at all.  Maybe its more about others.  We talked about this before… maybe you know you need to help people.  Maybe You’ve been down a difficult path and you now want to help others make their way to a better life.  When you hit a dip and feel like you can’t do it anymore… will the image of you, at your lowest and remembering how someone helped you

be the thing that can pull you out of your funk?  Remembering that someone desperate needs you now and you want to pay it forward?

That’s your why.

I believe the key is to peel back the layers and get to the core of what you are really doing this for.  Get to the core of your purpose and why you are on this path.  This may take time… it may change or expand a bit, but most likely if you are truly at your core belief it will remain largely the same. 

Now don’t get me wrong… your why can be truly simple.. it could be making the perfect cupcake because that brings you more joy than anything else in your life.  That is a beautiful thing!  But is there more?  Do you love the creativity of making a new recipe?… do you love the art of decorating?… Do you love the smile on a childs face when they get the perfect cupcake for their birthday or their celebration of an A in school?

I encourage you to make sure… to Journal it out… you will see those patterns pointing to what you love and why you love it.  It can carry you through the rough and challenging parts of your journey.

Remember… Your why is yours and only yours.  You can’t use mine… you can’t use your friends.  It needs to be yours and I believe you need to dig deeper, and continue to peal back the layers until you get to the down and dirty real truth.  Peal until there’s no more to peal and there you will find your real why. 

Once you have it, you will be able to refer back to it, both on good and bad days.  Being able to remind yourself… and having that beacon of clarity and safety can bring you back to center when you feel lost.  It can also be the source of celebration when you reach a milestone or truly see your goals come to life.  When you really know your why you are setting your ultimate goal to your dream life and taking the first step to reaching it.

What’s your why?

Listen to the podcast below or wherever you get your podcasts.

I am fascinated by my garden!  Which, I know that may sound crazy to a seasoned gardener but to me it’s all pretty new.  I’ve wanted a garden for years.  My mom always had one and I loved watching all the veggies grow and then having all that delicious goodness for dinner, knowing you grew it!!

But for one reason or another I’ve never planted one.  We didn’t have enough room, or we needed to till the whole yard up and my husband and just couldn’t agree on how to go about it. Plus, it’s a lot of work and effort and we just weren’t sure we wanted to commit.  But this year I convinced him!  Somehow, I keep getting served prepper ads on my Facebook feed and I saw this great way some folks were planting a garden.  They did it in 5 gallon buckets!

How brilliant is that!  You can move them around if you need to.  If there’s a late freeze you can put them inside.  It’s more contained and doesn’t take up so much room and you can even put them on something higher so you don’t have to stoop over so much, and for my “getting old” back that was a great thought. 

Yay!!  It was a good time of year, I had buy in from the hubby, I was ready to go already!  Next was a visit to Lowe’s.  There were so many steps to this.  We got buckets and soil.  A couple of the things we wanted were plants and some were seeds.  We mainly went for the things that I like because my boys aren’t big vegetable eaters.  We decided to start somewhat small and see what happened and expand next year if this worked.

I mean, I am southern so I feel like it’s a law to plant tomatoes, right?  Tomato plants, check.  Got 2 just in case.  Next were squash and zucchini plants.  My mouth was watering thinking about it all these fresh veggies!  I also wanted cucumber and green bean but those were seeds.

I was nervous about the seeds.  That just seemed harder and less likely to work.  The plant already existed, all I had to do was keep it alive right?  But we chose ones that looked good and went for it.

We got home and drilled holes in the bucket so the water can drain.  Then we read the directions on the seed packet… plant one inch down.  Full sun…. got it.  We got little cages for the tomatoes and a trellis for the cucumbers, if they grew that was.

And then… we wait.  Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not the most patient person you will ever meet, so I was out the door the next morning… just looking.  Making sure they all looked good.

Every day, before I left for work and when I got home.  I looked.  I made sure they looked ok.  Did they need water?  What about food?  Was the soil ok or did it need fertilizer?

What about bugs?  Those leaves don’t look good… put the stuff to kill the bugs…

AND, I talked them.  All the time.  I don’t them how strong they were and told them, “you can do it!  I believe in you.  You will grow big and strong and make lots of veggies!”

A week or so later I saw it!  Little green sprigs had broken the surface of the dirt.  The green beans and cucumbers! They both were making it.  I would tell my husband, be gentle!  They are babies.  But before I knew it, they weren’t anymore – they were huge!  And I was able to pick a few green beans every day.  The cucumbers were full of flowers but no fruit.

The tomatoes only produced a few and the squash & zucchini didn’t produce at all.

So, of course, we started trying to process what we had done wrong.

But the truth was, we hadn’t done anything wrong.  We simply tried some things and some were more successful than others.  We fed, we watered, we nurtured, we kept the bugs away but still some plants didn’t do what we thought they would.

It really made me think of my life and career and especially my business. 

How many times have you decided to try something but didn’t really know how to proceed?  You made a plan and nurtured it, you believed in it and you watched it grow but it didn’t turn out quite like you planned or had envisioned. 

Our squash simply needed room to spread and get it’s elbows out, as I hear some people say.  It was smothered.  It couldn’t grow because I had kept in a container that was simply too small and didn’t fit it’s needs.

The cucumbers had a ton of beautiful flowers!  But they never made fruit… why?  Because they were never properly pollinated.  It needed additional help, outside help.

With the tomatoes, to be honest, I’m not quite sure.  They never got that big and they produced, but just a few.  The green beans just kept producing.

Sometimes that’s how your business will be, or even your life.  Things won’t always go the way you think they will.  The key is to still try the things and then learn from what happens so you can adjust and try again. 

What did I learn from my garden that I apply to my business?

1. Plant the seed, then nurture it and allow it break the surface and grow.
2. Don’t smother the project.  Give it the room it needs to do it’s thing.  Sometimes you have to put an idea out there and see where it goes.  See who likes it.  See who responds. 

For both of these, it’s so important to give your project what you can, but sometimes you have to just get out of the way. 

Let’s take a course you are offering as an example.

You put it out there with certain intentions but the result may be something you never thought of.  You may have people take your course that you hadn’t thought of.  They may present challenges you never thought of addressing.

There is so much you can analyze and learn from in that process. 

Who responded?

Who actually signed up?  What kind of interaction did you have with that person?

Who actually showed up? 

Who participated during your course?  Who engaged?

How did the price effect participation?

As you continue to offer the course, you will start to see patterns and see where you can make changes or adjustments.  It also may show you places where there is a need for a different kind of course that you can add to your services.

So let it breathe and grow.  Offers can change… prices can change, content can change.  Be willing to let the project teach you. We realized that some things will be influenced by outside forces that you can’t control.  

3. For example, my cucumber needed to be pollinated.  I can’t control that.  That is part of nature.  The same can happen in your business, job or life.  Illness, environmental factors, we saw this with the covid pandemic.  Businesses were left scrambling to adjust how they could deliver their goods or services safely.  Some simply faded away as that wasn’t an option or financially they couldn’t make the change.  When things outside your control happen, you have to access the situation and do the best you can.  Sometimes it can be very difficult to navigate but other times it could be a pivot you needed or that opened up a new aspect of your business.  The key here is to remember it’s not you, but also be careful not to fall into a victim mentality. 

4. Some things look pretty on the outside, but if you look really closely, they aren’t as great as they seem.  Ie. My cucumbers… pretty flowers, no fruit.   How often do you find yourself comparing your business or your life to others around you.  Things may look great on the outside.  You may find yourself being a big jealous and wishing you could have what they have.  But the reality is we have no idea what’s really going on with others.  There life may really be great.  Or they may be hiding a myriad of problems… just like my cucumber plant.  The world needs your voice… your product.. whatever it is, it’s you and that’s what we need.  Don’t try to be someone else.  Be you. Trust me, we all have our own issues.  Do what’s right for you, there’s no need to be anyone else… be the real authentic you.

So what seeds have you planted lately?  Maybe it’s been planted in you.  Had a little nudge lately? A thought that felt right or that just won’t go away, like something you should listen to.  And this doesn’t have to be just about a business.  It could be about a relationship, or your job or even a party you’ve been wanting to throw.  Don’t ignore the seeds… nurture them.

What kind of care do your seeds need?  Where do you need to tend your garden?

I encourage you to take one action a day towards that need.  It can be small, it can be grand.  It can be as simple as meditating on the idea and clearing your head or making a list of your goals.  It could be Journaling what you envision this little seed will be one day.  You’ll know when it’s the right step, just for the love of all that is holy, take it!

I wanted to take a few minutes and introduce myself and explain why I’m here and what kinds of things I want to talk about on the Ballyhoo Bridge Podcast.  My name is Heather and I’ve been working in marketing, PR, graphic design and the like for about 30 years. 

Just a few short years ago I began a spiritual journey by complete accident.  Of course, I don’t believe in accidents… I believe everything happens for a reason and this is no exception. 

It started when I took a class to help me grow a side business I was trying to get off the ground.  It was a mindset class.  the truth is, I didn’t even really know what that meant.  What I am doing now is nowhere near what I thought I would be doing or how that side hustle started… I learned so much… for one thing, why I don’t want to hustle… I ended up learning what I really want out of my life and what I want my life to be. 

I finally began to understand my intuitive gifts and began to develop them and use them to help the people in my life. 

Like so many other people of my generation, really any generation I guess, when I was young and graduating high school, I did the thing that was expected of me.  I said I wanted to go to school for art, my mom said, that’s fine but it needs to be something where you can actually make a living… not be some starving artist.  And That was just ONE example of the typical conditioning statements from my parents.  I would venture to say from most parents…So I did that… I never became a film maker or animator like I had dreamed of for so long.  I only sang in my car, not on a stage… and the reality is, when I struggled to let go in painting classes or choir or anywhere, I think that conditioning was taking hold of my brain and my paintbrush.  It told me to do the right thing and to NOT let go.  When I started this journey, I didn’t even know what conditioning was, much less how much effect it had on my life and my decisions.

So, I got the degree that I enjoyed but I didn’t love.  I did the corporate jobs that don’t fit how I’m wired and are difficult for me to focus and not get bored in… I changed jobs a lot… trying to find where I was supposed to be. 

When it comes to the marketing I do everyday, the truth is I’m good at it and I really do enjoy it.  And through this journey I’ve come to understand more of why.  I both like and need to be creative and I both like and need to help people.

I find I am still shifting into the alignment of who I am and my purpose and I’m ok with that, it means I’m growing. 

So many of us spend our lives trying to understand why we don’t fit the expectations of those around us.  And for many reasons, we don’t try to discover what our real fit in life is. 

But then something happens and causes the shift that makes you start your journey. 

See, I’ve taken a lot of classes and met a lot of people.  One thing I’ve noticed is, the ones in a class on a spiritual journey always end up wanting to open a business… they find something they love they want to share with others… AND the ones in the class to help their business almost always end up on a spiritual journey. 

Running a business on your own can be rewarding and freeing and fulfilling and all the ing words, but it can also be brutal.  When you hit dips, and you will, you start to question everything, not just about your business but about your very existence.  You aren’t good enough – that’s imposter syndrome.  Everyone was right about you and doing this crazy thing – that’s conditioning… do you see where I’m going here?  Finding yourself and your inner strength, aligning with what’s right for you and what truly makes you happy can play a vital role in your success and all the ing words we talked about earlier. 

I grew up a Christian. I went to church every Sunday. My relationship with God was solid.  I thought…  I thought I had this “love myself, strength thing” under control.  The further I went, the more I realized I didn’t and that part of my conditioning actually kept me from being open enough in my spirituality. 

I won’t lie, there are things I heard people talk about and partake in that as a Christian, and using my conditioning to hear, I questioned. I have learned more and understand more than I ever thought possible.  I learned that many times we are all saying the same things, just using different words.  I am closer to God than I’ve ever been.  Part of that is because I opened my mind and allowed Him in, in ways I hadn’t before. 

I am aware many Christians hear woo” and spiritual things and they run for the hills.  But the truth is the parallels are staring us all in the face if we can choose to let go and see. 

These are the things I will talk about in my podcast, the myths, not just of spirituality and how we are not so different, but the myths of business and with a little help, the next steps aren’t as hard and overwhelming as they may seem.

Most solopreneurs I’ve met need help.  Not just in getting their head and their heart straight but how to do this business thing… finding your thing, figuring out how to plan it and market it.

But business isn’t just about marketing and branding and social media algorithms.  It’s understanding your true, authentic self and then showing up as THAT person, not the one you think you’re supposed to be. 

So we will explain the jargon, clear up some misconceptions, address confusion and discover we are all not so different.  No matter what your background is, we are here to bridge the gaps between what you think you know and what you think you don’t.

Oh and one more thing… this name, ballyhoo bridge. My son suggested it and I kind of love it!

Ballyhoo means extravagant publicity or fuss

A Bridge is something intended to reconcile or to form a connection between two things.

So, let’s make a fuss!  And bridge some gaps…

I hope you’ll join us!

You can listen here or anywhere you find your podcasts!